Chat Up Lines – Behind the Scenes

Here’s some behind the scenes shots, while I edit our latest live sketch. Yep, that’s me with a whole lorra wax. It took about 5 washes with Fairy Liquid to get rid that muck, as proven by me sporting the ‘Dandy Geldof‘ after wash 3.

Bit of trivia: Tom and I share the same sweaty shirt throughout.

Five Tip Top Hints to Wordualise a Literary Hit

Here’s a fantastic article that Ian found written by Bournville College. I’m putting this up here mainly because I know I’ll loose the link and regret never being able to find it again.

The article explores George Orwell’s 5 rules to good writing, including an inspiring smackdown quote from Ernest Hemingway. Here are the rules. Slosh about in the original article HERE.

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figures of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
6. Break any of these rules sooner than saying anything outright barbarous.

Reid: Does the Recession

Is it just me or is everyone else just about pissed off with hearing the term ‘in the current climate’, “In the ‘current climate’ you’re lucky to have a job in the first place”, “in the ‘current climate’ you should be happy with what you’re earning. In the ‘current climate’ our Johnny’s just thankful that he’s still got his legs.”

Of course the times are tough for the majority, but what annoys me is the decision makers who are more than happy to use the recession in order to shit on people from a great height. For many of them this is a great opportunity to get away with fiscal murder, as they now have the perfect alibi to dismiss and heavily underpay their employees. So how did this happen?

As all of you who already know me are aware, my forte happens to be macroeconomics and international reactionary monetary solutions, so let me explain the whole situation to you, IN RAP FORM:

After giving you such a concise and accurate context to the global recession, I’d like to discuss my practical ideas regarding the ‘current climate’. It has become apparent that after the initial hype, mass suicides and Armageddon warnings have subsided, we have now come to terms with how powerless we are in the face of this problem and have accepted that our government is merely a limp dick on the feeble financial body of the world. So with that in mind, I have worked up a list of suggestions which reflects general public opinion, if not solving the problem altogether.

Entering Aladdin’s Cave…

This weekend, after a day pretending to be grown-ups at a friend’s wedding in Bridgnorth, Louis and I took a stroll with our girlfriends around the old town to sooth our mildly hungover heads and damage our feet further in our inappropriate footwear.

The first gem we unearthed was this rather stylish and most charming pink PVC recliner with black plastic trim and just enough seat space for a modestly proportioned rear.

As you can see, sitting in the chair induces feelings of jollity, childlike wonder and mild confusion, which you must admit, are qualities not found in most pink PVC chairs. Louis described the sitting experience as “ok” which i am taking to mean “alright”, which I think is passable given its vintage nature.

After another mooch around Louis found these peculiar items sitting together. Initially I assumed they were mock-Victorian items, fashioned to resemble the humble rolling pin and iron. But Louis knew better.

“They’re gang signs,” he informed me, holding them in the traditionally menacing fashion of a violent youth to demonstrate. “The rolling pin symbolises control and the iron is a classical representation of hip-hop legend and household guru TuPax,” he explained. Well, you learn something every day, don’t you.

Now armed with our street weapons we continued, eager to discover more rare and valuable items. And boy were we in luck! For across the room sat a most extradorinary example of mid-1980s techno-art.

This item requires some detailed explanation. The piece comprises a white wooden box with a ‘viewing window’ for access to the core of the work.

Within lies a purple enclave with a lightning design, of course made popular by Dr Munroe Freshtackle. Set into the back wall is a clear moulded plastic face, possibly a representation of a bald Madonna. Below the face is a microphone in Microsoft beige.

Now here’s the clever bit. If you speak into the mic, your voice activates a ‘lightning ball’ effect within the plastic skull. A feat that would have put you on a par with Uri Geller or Paul Daniels in the mists of the ’80s. Why this item had yet to sell for the bargain price of £89 we could not fathom.

After adjusting our eyes back to the neon glare of the Noughties, we found a true collectors item.

Yes, it’s a real one. An original pressing of Billie Piper’s first album ‘Billie’ on stereo cassette. Louis could barely contain his excitement, while I, still suffering from the hallucinogenic effects of the ’80s lightning face, thought it was all a preposterous dream. But no, it was true.

Sadly our coffers did not extend to such an extravagant purchase and we moved on, looking back longingly at the musical time-capsule we had to leave behind.

This here was another intriguing find. As it is a well-established fact that music lovers are also rather partial to the penguin, I shall not bore you with a history of arctic birds and their relation to popular culture.

But I will point out that this piece is of special note, as it caters for those ‘high-end’ collectors with 11 compact discs! Here is a suggested set-up:

1. Best of the Beatles
2. Best of Rolling Stones
3. Barbara Streisand Sings Christmas
4. Best of Bowie
5. Summer Holiday – Cliff Richard
6. Enter the Wu-Tang Clan – Wu-Tang Clan
7. Moon Patrol – Air
8. Aqualung – Jethro Tull
9. Coast to Coast – Westlife
10. Infest – Papa Roach
11. Summer Holiday – Cliff Richard (in case one breaks)

So remember, don’t just walk past the next antiques shop you see, cursing its name. Go in, have a look around and find that special something for a loved one.

Off to Edinburgh!

Ehy! Message in a Bottle will be making an appearance at the Edinburgh Fringe as part of Popcorn Comedy’s Best Of Show. The shows will be on 6th and 26th August and only cost £5 which is an amazing price 6 top quality stand ups and bunch of videotic gems.

Go HERE to see more details. Don’t ask why! Just do it!! It’s really good… Oh well read on.

We won’t be able to catch the shows, but we’ll be catching the aftermath of it on the last weekend of the festival (28th-30th). The last time we were up I was a student there and the smug occupier of a beautiful flat… It’s going to be a bit more guerilla style this time round. We’ll keep a log and possibly even a fun bit of video to document our travels.

This is bringing back all sorts of memories. If you ever happen to be in the National Gallery of Scotland keep a look out for this painting of ‘Jesus’. However, if you look closer it’s not Jesus… it’s Tom. That also appears to be Andy Murray flogging him. That guy on the left looked familiar too but we just couldn’t work it out. After carefully ripping it off the wall and gently ramming it down Tom’s trousers we took it away to have a closer look……

….. Turns out it was Dave Benson Phillips.